Poshard Resigns for Graduate Assistantship

by Jimmy Hoffa

Outgoing SIU President Glenn Poshard announced the next step in his political career on Monday.  In a press conference with loyalists, news media, family and friends, the former Congressman turned University President told reporters that he plans to “go back to Graduate School and study Philosophy.”  Much to the surprise of people who are close to the President, his intentions signal an axiological change of heart, of sorts.  “I need to find out who I am,” Poshard told reporters, “I feel like I may have wasted my life.”  When asked by a student reporter how he plans to live on the meager $1566 stipend per month earned by Graduate Assistants in Philosophy, and, in his advancing age, how he plans to get by on Student Health Insurance that is only “minimally compliant” with Obamacare, Poshard said “by the grace of God go I.”  Third year SIU law student and current President of Graduate and Professional Student Council, Blaine Tisdale, commented on Poshard re-entering Graduate Student life saying “I’m glad I’ll be graduating in May.  President Poshard has a clear record of electability and I wouldn’t want to run against him.”  When asked for comment, Undergraduate Student Government President Adrian Miller, said “I bet I could take him.”  A formal retirement ceremony for President Poshard will be held in May.

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