Chancellor Unilaterally Agrees to 50% Raise in Graduate Assistant Pay

In an unanticipated and precedent setting move, SIU Chancellor Rita Cheng unilaterally raised the wages of Graduate Assistants employed by the University by 50 percent.  “This raise is long overdue,” she said, “I literally don’t know how they’ve survived up to this point.”  President of the Graduate Assistants union, Matt Ryg, was astonished upon hearing the news.  “You’re shitting me,” he said.  “No?  Well, then, I think the Chancellor and Board of Trustees did the right thing.  This decision obviously represents a newfound humility among the University administration.”  Cheng delivered the news of the policy change at a press conference staged at her mansion-esque bunker outside of Carbondale.  “The stars are aligned for Graduate Assistants at Southern. And really, what the hell?  We can afford it,” Cheng said with a hearty belly-laugh: “Do you know how much money I make?” The new changes are set to take place July 1. “Some would call Cheng’s move calculated, politically motivated, and manipulative… but I wouldn’t,” Ryg said, “I celebrate the Chancellor’s vision and priorities with respect to Graduate Assistant pay.”

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